one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
