i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
