my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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