Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
