Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
