I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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