The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
