Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
