we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
