Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
