She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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