he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
