If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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