Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
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