I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
