Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
barbara walters just said penis...
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
