You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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