I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
