Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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