My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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