I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize