We're facebook friends in real life
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Randomize
