I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
