I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
