I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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