I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This is classic penis vs brain.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
