If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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