If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
