It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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