I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
