My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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