It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We're too hungover to prance.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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