When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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