I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
