i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
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