You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
