Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
