She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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