You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize