dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
