don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
