it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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