Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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