Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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