my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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