I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
