you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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