Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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