i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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