You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
