mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
too bad you live with your parents still
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
