See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize