I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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