White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize