My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
