Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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