I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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