M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
