I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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