Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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