I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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