the condom got lost in my hair
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Is Oprah even human
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
