there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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